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Btterfliez
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Name: Sarah
Country: United States
State: Indiana
Metro: Hammond
Gender: Female
Interests: Talking, singing, emo, music, love, hate, chap stix, lips, hugs, kisses, cuddling, biting, swearing, movies, teddy bears, purple, pink, red, money, shopping, crying, smiling, Lotsa other stufness.
Expertise: Ehh, thats for me to know and u never to find out. hehe
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
AIM:  Sarahloola
AIM:  XLoVaBlEsArAh90X
AIM:  LittleSukiChan
Member Since:
3/20/2005
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| Today is Day Two of my self-recovery. I never really believed that I would be able to overcome an obstacle as big as bulimia, but it's day two, I'm doing great, and I feel wonderful. It's so crazy to me that for two years I wasted 1000s of dollars worth of food, and thousands of minutes of my life hanging over a toilet just to be thin. I don't think that was the only reason why I did what I did, but in the beginning, it was. Being accepted isn't worth dying for, and being thin isn't the most important thing in anyone's life. It isn't worth losing your friends, or your family, or your life over. I am a good person, whether or not I believe that right now or not. I am tired of wasting my life away, and it's about time I took a stand and made myself and my life better. Things are finally piecing themselves together, and the only thing preventing me from having a good, normal life, was bulimia. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to have children. I want to be the girl I was before this disease ruined my life. I want to be me. It's going to be so amazing to be able to have a normal life again. To not have to worry about confiding my problem to anyone. I am just... inspired, and determined, to be better. To be the girl I know I can be, and the girl I was before any of this. The things I have done as a result of this disease do not matter. I may have made mistakes, and I may have done some stupid things, but that doesn't change the person I am on the inside, or the person I want to be. I am going to be healthy and happy again, and I know this now. Day two and I already am starting to feel fat, but it doesn't matter. I am getting healthy, I am making the necessary changes that need to be made for my betterment, and I am winning this battle! I can do this, I know I can do this. I have God at my side, and with Him, all things are possible.
I am changing, I am becoming who I want to be, and I am going to be the happy Sarah everyone once knew and loved. I am strong, I am powerful, I am proud.
<33
2 days sober
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| Well it's 9 AM and I am currently waiting for my neighbor to call me to take me to my old work to pick up a donated box of food. People are so good to me. I hope I get good stuff.
I read this entire journal yesterday. I was that bored, and when I was reading it, it about made me cry. I just wish things were still as easy as they were when I was 15. I had so many friends, I just really hope I was grateful for all of them, because now I pretty much have none. But in all reality, that's my own fault. This disease has made me a complete social-phobic. I hate being around people, I just think they're all judging me and thinking I am this disgusting creature. Which probably isn't true, but I am so weird, I tend to think it is. I miss Stephanie the most. I know that it's all my fault she hates me so much now, and we haven't talked in over a year, and I can't stop it from hurting. I just miss being able to call and have someone listen to me, and want to spend time with me, and want to be my friend. And now, I have no one. I tried to talk to her about a week ago, and that backfired. She wants absolutely nothing to do with me, and I really can't blame her. But it still hurts so bad. It just makes me want to break down. I have almost NO friends. No one wants to hang out with me, no one gives a shit, but again, I did this to myself. I isolated myself from society for so long that everyone who once did care now sees no point in doing so, and just gave up. Why keep caring about someone who refuses all social contact? I really hate myself for doing this. Was any of this even worth it? I used to think so, back when I still had people who I called my friends. But now? No, it wasn't worth it. Throwing up my life and relationships as the years pass me by. For what? To be skinny? To be accepted? Maybe, but am I accepted? No. I'm alone. I have no one but my boyfriend and brother. I thought this would make me happy, but am I happy? No. I'm not. Not at all. I am just.. a mess. I don't know why I started this, I wish I could go back in time and reverse all the wrongs I have done, but I know that's impossible, and that sucks the most.
I just don't know where everything went so horribly wrong. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment in time where I was beginning to get so obsessive over the way I look, just so I could smack myself and get over it. I was beautiful. I may not have been a size 0, but I'm still not. I was happy. I had friends. I had a good life, and I ruined it. Why did I do this to myself? To everyone who loved me? I destroyed everything I have ever loved or known, and there is no fixing it now. It's too late. I can pray a million times a day to make things better and be the way they used to be, but nothing ever will be again. It just... isn't fair. I wish I could have been smarter. I wish I didn't get so wrapped up in my appearance. This. is. all. my. fault. I'm an idiot...
Paul slept over Cody's last night. It was pretty peaceful. I basically just hung out with Chris until he left about 10:30 or so. I ate my food, got overwhelmed, through away my life once again into the porcilein throne of destruction, and went to bed. I was in so much pain when I was finished. My throat ached and burned. My stomach churned from being strained so hard, and then I looked at myself in the mirror. Strands of hair falling out of my head, eyes sunken with dark circles around them. A visible and dominant spinal cord protruding from my once meaty flesh, now all that remains is bones.My body is a wasteland, and every day more of it wastes away leaving only remnants of who I once was. I can still see the girl I used to be looking at me in the mirror sometimes. She's crying behind the eyes that are covered over with false hopes and dreams and feelings. She's begging to be set free and to be happy again, and everytime I see her I have to look away. I can't bare to see myself for what I really am. Sick. Unhappy. Miserable. Alone. I'd rather believe I am fulfilling my dream of beauty and perfection, but I am living a lie. I am living a disgusting, lonely, life. What happened to me? Where did the sweet, beautiful, confident girl I was go?
And then I think to myself, maybe she's still in there. She's just hiding because I put her away. I pushed her to the corner and made her stay there because she wasn't good enough. All the people who mocked her and made fun of her are who I have become. I am now the mean kid in the classroom laughing because I'm not small and skinny, and not the ideal girl. And the real me is crying because she lost everything. And this monster took all she loved away. Why did I do this to her? To myself? It wasn't worth this. It wasn't worth any of this. But I don't know how to stop it. I can't stop the voices of hatred that run through my mind at all hours of the day. The laughing, the teasing, the hurtful words that cut like blades, and sink deep into the core of my soul. I am slowly breaking, becoming brittle, non-existant. I am dying. And these voices of the people who once made my life so upsetting have all the control now. But they aren't just upsetting me anymore, they're killing me. I just wish I could leave myself alone. I probably sound insane, but this is just the inner-workings of a bulimic mind.
I just pray I can find that girl I was before she's gone forever. I don't want her to leave me completely. Just like everyone else. I just want things to get better, I just want to be better. God... help me.
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| Well, being the lame I am I haven't written in 10 days. I keep a handwritten journal, too. So I tend to forget I am writing in this thing again. I need to write myself reminders. There's so much going on.
The past week or so has been pretty lame. I haven't been doing much, but when do I ever? Paul went to work this morning. He got a great job doing contracting and building basements. He's going to be making great money and finally able to do things for himself and get whatever he wants to. I am so proud of him. He is doing so well, and I am maintaining my patience with him and trying my best to get along with him. We, of course, have our moments. But we are brother and sister, right? My boyfriend and I have gotten into a few arguments, nothing completely crazy, but the other day things got kind of heavy. We went out to eat, and of course, we went to what I like to call Binge Central. AKA a buffet. So I was about to get another plate, and he looked at me shamefully and asked if I really needed another plate of food. Now, this would probably not make someone feel so bad if they were not impulsive, and almost feeling a NEED for more sustenance. So, of course, I got upset. And it was as if he just didn't understand why I felt the way I did. How do you explain that to someone? "You embarrassed me because I want to stuff my face more, and you're making me feel bad about it"? I know he was saying it out of concern for me, but I really can't stand to be judged, and whenever someone questions what I do to my body I feel threatened and offended. Foolish, I know, but I always thought he just accepted me as I was. And that day I felt the only person I felt comfortable with was embarrassed by my presence and excessive eating. I'm just gross, I've decided. Why is he even with me? Why does anyone waste their time with me? I can't answer that for the life of me, so maybe I should just be thankful for those who do waste their time. The select few, that is.
So, of course, we got into a fight over the embarrassment of dinner, and he got teary eyed. He was expressing his concern for me, and how much it hurt him to see me do what I do to my body. I just wish he was able to communicate that better to me, because instead I felt like I'm sickening, and a disgrace to him. I love him so much, I just want to be able to be the person he wants me to be, and I fear, I'll never be able to do that. Last night I had somewhat of a breakdown and looked at myself, felt my bones, saw that I am truly hollow. I remember when I thought for certain being skinny was my key to happiness. If I was skinny, I'd have all I ever wanted. Attention, beauty, perfection. But I was wrong. Here I am, almost three years into this mess with hanging skin, a distorted body image, horrible teeth, swollen throat and glands. I'm sick, and this was my idea of perfection. Stupid, isn't it? How I can so easily say that what I do to myself is stupid, and pointless. I accomplished nothing. I'm not happy, being skinny doesn't make me feel beautiful, and the reason why? I feel worse on the inside. This monster controls my every move, my every thought, feeling, relationship... I told my boyfriend I didn't want to die, and I didn't want to do this to myself anymore. We went to get dinner last night, and I didn't finish my meal. When I got home, after he left, I did. And.. I purged. I wanted so badly to resist the impulse to do it, but something in my head kept screaming out fat percentages and calories, and how ugly I would be if I kept that food down. Ugly to myself, not anyone else. The truth is, when I am in public I literally pray to God that no one looks at me or notices me. But isn't that what I set out to do in the beginning? Get noticed? And here I am, not wanting to be. Then why do I continue living this way? But something in my head just won't register that. Anxiety controls my life, food controls my life. But how can I possibly tell this to my boyfriend? He's going to hate me, or be so disappointed. How can he even want to be with me? How can he even possibly care for me... I just feel like I am never going to be able to make him as happy as he deserves to be. But I don't want to lose him at the same time. Is that selfish? To know you don't completely make someone happy, but to not want to let them go, regardless because you don't want to be without him? Maybe I am just tired of everyone I love leaving me because of this, and I am so scared that the only one who hasn't yet.. will. I pray so hard he won't. I do want to be better, even though it may not seem so. I hope he can see the pain in my eyes when he looks at me, I hope he can see my tormented soul, and my suffering will. I want him to love me so badly, and to never leave, but when so many have told me that nothing could tear them away, have, it's hard to even believe someone could ever possibly care for me that much to stay through this. He told me I shouldn't be in a relationship, ever.
Maybe he's right. He said if I can't love myself how can I possibly love someone else? Maybe he's right. But I feel love for him every time he's near or far. I yearn for him to love me, and hold me, and promise me this pain will go away. I have no one. I feel so alone, and without him, I'd feel empty. I just... I'm just selfish, I guess. I don't want to lose someone who I am probably making miserable. Who is watching me die. Why do I do this to myself, to others? It's like I'm two people. The smart girl who knows what she's doing is destroying herself and her relationships, and knows it's wrong and she needs to stop; and then the other side of me is this sick little girl who can't seem to stop her destructive behavior, and doesn't know how to be normal, or if she even wants to be. These two 'sides' conflict all the time. Most of the time, the bad side wins, and I wish I could just stop the madness. Anyone who has ever dealt with an eating disorder can probably relate to every word I say, but someone who has never experienced the craziness of this disorder probably sees me as insane, stupid, selfish, sick, twisted. And maybe I am, but at this time, I can't help it.
I don't know what to do. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was wiser. I wish this never began, and I wish it'd end.
But the thing I wish for most, is for acceptance, of myself. I want to be happy with who I am. How do I do that? I don't know. Will I try to discover it? With all I am, I will. But in my conquest will I lose the ones I love and need most? I guess only time will tell, but due to past experiences, probably. And again, I'll be broken and alone. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? I just hope I don't need to be made any stronger, and I hope my boyfriend can forgive me for being a failure.
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| I gave up on myspace and now have decided maybe a blog is what I need to keep myself sane. So here I am, three years later, on xanga. Who would have thought? Well, my life is a lot different than it used to be. I look back at some of these entries I've written and can't help but feel sad at the simplicity of my thinking. I wish things were that simple still, but it's pointless to wish for things that won't come true.
Firstly, my mother and step dad were divorced in 2007. I moved to an apartment with my mother and brother where things were excruciatingly hard for the next three years. I was in a relationship again with Ben, and we remained together until February of 2008. At the end of 2006, I developed a serious illness. I was, and still am, bulimic. It all started with excessive weight loss, and it has just gotten worse over time. I go up and down with my weight, and am currently down, way down. I'm 5'6" and have very big bones, weighing in at 118. I know I look unhealthy, but I can't help but be happy at how thin I am. I am working out a lot more, but unfortunately binging a lot more, as well. I hate it. You know, sometimes it's great to be thin, and then I remember that every single day I live is not normal, and I have so many routines and rituals I must follow, and it's just sickening what I am doing to my body. This Christmas will be three years. I am not proud of that. I have lost every friend I have ever known because of this, most all my relationships have ended because of the stress and repeated cycle of my everyday life. I have been through so much since I was 16, and it's so sad to me that I have had to go through all of this. My mother lost her marbles completely and was unsupportive, and not remotely anything close to what you'd call a mother. She just was there. Hollow. Almost invisible. She sat and stared at her computer vacantly as her children suffered. My brother entered gang life, my mother gained 70 pounds and was unable to take care of herself. We never had any money, no one worked, everyday was a battle to get food and whatever else we needed. Life sucked. I did horrible things that completely ruined me emotionally, and still tear me up to this day. But, somehow things started to piece themselves back together.
My mother moved back to Massachusetts to live with her mother because we were evicted from public housing due to bad house keeping. It was disgusting the way we lived. I found my brother and I a place in North Hammond, where we currently live off of his ssi from my father's death. He's on probation for stealing and gang banging in the past, but I am doing all I can to keep him in line. I am now taking prozac and trying to control the impulses of this disease, but it's not easy, and the urges to binge are always on my mind, they never stop. I am on food stamps and in the process of getting rent assistance and then soon after, my GED. I am trying to better my life and do all that is necessary to get where I need to be, but it isn't as easy as I wish it could be. But when is life ever easy? I have dealt with a lot of shit in the past three years of not writing, and I guess now I can write everyday and update what else is going on.
I binged today, and right now something inside of me is telling me to go do so again. Go find anything I can get my hands on and feast the hours away and kill time. My boyfriend won't be coming over tonight which really upsets me because aside from him, I have no one. I have Gar, but I barely hang out with him. Everyone else has left me behind and forgotten I exist. Or at least pretend as though they have. It hurts to have no one to care about me. It really does. But maybe I deserve this. Maybe I'm not worthy of having friends because of how much pain I have caused others to feel in the past. Sometimes I think God is punishing me for all the hurt I bestowed on my friends and family, and I fear my misery will never end. I am trying to find a job, make ends meet, do all that is possible to remain okay and stable. But it's a lot easier said than done, and I am finding it becoming more difficult. It just sucks...
It feels good to get all this out in the open, though. I like blogging. Even if everyone reading this is going to think of me as a complete psycho freak, that's okay. I'm used to it. This is my life, with all it's wretched heartache and glory. So join me on my path to self destruction, and hope and pray I am able to save myself before the collision takes place and I am gone forever.
<3
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| Oh em freakin gee, I missed this xangaaaaaaaa. Wooow, so much has happened in the course of 2 or 3 months. Wow. Ok we'll start with school. Well school is lame as always. We got new classes back in March I believe. They're okay. I don't mind them. I got Draskovich for geometry, Evans for English, choir, newspaper, and Richards for Spanish. So yeah, kinda coolish. So thats school. Moving on.
Welllll, I am single now. I have been for like 2 weeks. He did it. He didn't want to "hurt" me anymore. Yeah, okay. I can't say I'm over it, because then I'd be lying, and well, I don't lie. So no, I'm not over it. I don't think I will be for a long time. I think he was my first love, and it hurts that he left me, and now is with someone else. Yes, he has already moved on. But you know what, I guess I can try and be happy for him. After all, I tried going out with someone, and it didn't work out too well. I wasn't ready to be with someone yet, and I don't think i am not either. I just hope this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach will go away. Two weeks should be enough for my heart to heal, yet it's still aching. But the break up, whether I want to admit it to myself or not, was for the best. I mean, who wants to be with someone who cheats on you, right? Right. At least that's the way I see it. I mean if we had stayed together, I might have gotten more hurt than I already did. So I guess it's a good thing we're not together. But I will admit, that I am jelous of his new g/f. Why? I couldn't tell you, because not even I know. i guess part of me just never fully got that it was over. That we weren't together anymore, and I no longer had any say in who he could talk to or what ever. And now, here I am, jelous because this girl gets to be with my ex. I shouldn't be. I should be pitying her, because she's in for a long road of heartache if he's anything like the way he was with me. He plays all sweet and innocent, and promises to be the one guy that would never ever hurt you, and then soon enough, he does hurt you. I hope he doesn't hurt this girl, though. No one deserves to have to deal with that shit. So I guess what I'm trying to say is I wish them good luck, and I hope that neither of them get hurt. But more that the girl doesn't get hurt. If he does, maybe he'll see what it's like to get your heart broken. Eh. So yeah. Thats how it is the relationship department.
Friends. I love then. Nuff said. They have all been there for me when ever I needed them. No matter what. I treated some of them pretty badly when I was dating. It was like all I cared about was some dumb ass guy who ended up hurting me. So there was no point in that, was there? Nope. I now realize that friends are sacred. Boys come and go, but friends are always there for you. Next time I'm in a relationship, remind me not to get so wrapped up. I did some pretty stupid shit when I was dating. I hope I never do that stuff again. That be a good thing, wouldn't it..
Well yeah. I don't know if I will be coming back to this xanga or not.. I might. I miss it. But Idk. We'll see. I just wanted to update. My other xanga is xxshatteredmemoriezxx. So if you want more details of my life, go on that one. And comment me. I barely get any comments from anyone. If you comment, I'll give you candy. Everyone loooves candy. ^_~ Hehe. Ok, I'm done. Adios. And COMMENT.
<33 | | |
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